I didn’t want to make assumptions on your initial comment as i didn’t know if you were referring to yourself as a full-service sex worker or were using the term under the more general definition applied to strippers, adult film stars, and cam-models, etc. I’ve never hired a hooker, before but visiting Pahrump Nevada, or the red light district of the Netherlands is still on my bucket list.
-That said, having your own personal choice and control over the situation taken away either by guys trying to “stealth” you or to take advantage of a desperate situations at the potential expense of your health is an awful thing to do to someone else. I can only speculate as to what each of your clients wanted that they couldn’t get from a toy. If i’m asked to return to your earlier question of what’s the difference between a human sex worker and a robot, I guess I’d respond by asking what’s the difference between non-sex worker and a robot?
While the work may not be 1:1 to you I can say with regards to strippers there’s still a kind of nonemotional intimacy, and the workers get to express their personalities which made things fun. I don’t know if you got a chance to do any of that or not.
–Are you able to seek counseling for this? Regardless of what I’ve said, that’s some pretty heavy trauma you seem to be trying to make sense of. It could be beneficial to work through it with someone that has more formal training and a deeper knowledge for learning how to cope with these kind of things.
I think you hit the nail on the head about the power-dynamic and pretense. Regardless, I hope you at least keep talking about it to people who would try not to judge. I think sitting and dwelling on that kind of trauma, or even ignoring it can cause all sorts of problems.