I have anger issues, which I can’t control. I am considered conventionally attractive (though I don’t see it) and many people think I’m cool and want to be around me.

Like I said, though, I have anger issues where I will act quite aggressively towards people. One time, someone I knew said hi to me, so I screamed “I HEARD YOU”. I also tend to type very dryly and with periods when I’m upset (which is admittedly ~90% of the time but I can’t control that).

My friend doesn’t talk to me as much and I really don’t get why because even when I’m “aggressive”, it’s tough love and I’m trying to help them. If I didn’t love her, I wouldn’t be like that.

I’m even like this with guys I’ve dated and I love them not as brothers.

Women also piss me off more than men do, so I hang out more with them because I feel like they get me and aren’t as bitchy. (Part of the reason why I’m bi curious but never found a woman I’d date, excluding one I almost went out with).

While I do tend to praise men and ignore women, as some people say, it’s tough love since I think women should be the best versions of themselves :) [I believe this is why society is so hard on women as a whole]

But yeah, TLDR; My mood problems impact the people I care about, and I’m wondering if it’s a turn off since some people don’t want to be around me rather than loving me for me.

I have a reason for my actions, people just choose to ignore those reasons and misinterpret me.

  • Snot Flickerman@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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    10 days ago

    While I do tend to praise men and ignore women, as some people say, it’s tough love since I think women should be the best versions of themselves :) [I believe this is why society is so hard on women as a whole]

    Holy internalized misogyny, Batman!

    This is truly wild and the exact opposite of what women actually need.

    Who gets to define the best version of themselves? They don’t get input on that? Only you? Only men?

    Coupled with your previous post on narcissism where you said this:

    I call my friends useless and horrible, and I really have no guilt/remorse or sympathy about that. I feel like I can treat them however I want without much remorse. In fact, I feel like most of the time, I’m right to treat people this way.

    It’s not tough love. This is abusive language and behavior.

    I understand getting frustrated with people if they’ve failed to make positive changes for themselves for a long time… but unless you’re their partner who lives with them, most of it doesn’t and shouldn’t have a direct impact on your life. Meaning it’s up to them to make choices for how they live and what they feel is comfortable. It’s up to you to be their friend and respect their choices being different than yours. If you can’t do that, you’re not actually their friend. You’re just a rude domineering person who thinks they know best for everyone else (Pro tip: you don’t, actually).

    “Tough love” almost never results in people suddenly respecting your opinion. No, if anything it makes them resent your opinion.

    Even if it is a partner you live with. Guess what? It’s healthier to just dump them and move on if you’re so disappointed with them than trying to bully them into the person you want them to be. Try spending less time justifying your own actions with your reasoning and try spending more time considering their actions and their reasoning with intent to focus on charitable interpretations.


    Look, I’ve had anger problems myself. The worst habit I picked up from my shitty parents was resorting to hurtful and abusive language when I’ve been pushed pushed pushed into anger. Even if the things I am saying have root in valid critiques of the people and the situation the abusive language does not help anything, ever, at all! I know this from experience. What you probably need is some therapy to help you find more healthy ways to express yourself and more healthy ways to help yourself disconnect from these situations as they do not impact you personally most of the time. (I can see a perpetually late friend impacting you, but that’s small potatoes, get over it or stop being their friend: problem solved.) I promise you, therapy helps.

    All you’re doing is making people hate you.

    • Aurora@lemmy.ml
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      10 days ago

      From what I’ve read, she seems to think everyone will always be worse than her no matter how hard they try. They’ll never be good enough for her, so she’ll always find someone to be disappointed in and something to be disappointed in everyone for.

        • Aurora@lemmy.ml
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          10 days ago

          Also, this is unrelated, but as a panromantic woman, I don’t understand why she keeps insisting she is pansexual or whatever.

          I won’t judge but this reads like she is not interested in women? Perhaps bicurious like this current post says.

          • sp3ctr4l@lemmy.zip
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            10 days ago

            I know this will sound cynical…

            …but a whole, whole lot of younger, brainrotted tiktok addicts with narcissistic personalities and negative attention spans will describe themselves as pan or bi when they aren’t at all, because they can use it as an idpol thing, an extra reason to legitimate their anger directed at anyone critical of them, a vapid empty signifier that has no real meaning beyond ‘people i think are funny or hot or popular say they are bi/pan/omni, so I am too!’

            • CatDemons4@lemmings.worldOP
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              10 days ago

              But I find women pretty…? Sure, I can’t name any female crushes, but that doesn’t make me less bi/pan. Sexuality is a spectrum.

              Yes, I LOVE men, and women don’t give me the spark, but I love the idea of finally being able to say “I love my girlfriend!”. Plus, a lot of women are very soft and playful, and as a woman, I think I could date and understand most women.

              I just haven’t found the right woman because my type is athletic and extroverted. Shy people are annoying, TBH. And they HAVE to like men. Part of dating women means I have to relate to them, and I can’t relate to a lesbian woman.

              • vithigar@lemmy.ca
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                9 days ago

                People find sunsets pretty. That doesn’t mean they’re heliosexual. Finding a thing aesthetically pleasing is distinct from being sexually or romantically attracted.

                • CatDemons4@lemmings.worldOP
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                  9 days ago

                  I can see myself with men, not with women though. They are nice to flirt with and have common interests with (especially MENNNN, this is why I don’t have many lesbian friends) and they have to be extroverted, which is why I don’t like neurodivergent people as friends. they’re cool, but if they have autism, they’re mostly kinda weird (No offense, ADHD people just seem more social).

                  I don’t know, because I would probably date a woman if I met the right one, but I can’t name a time a woman has ever interested me.

          • CatDemons4@lemmings.worldOP
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            10 days ago

            I do like women. Women are beautiful.

            I, in fact, tried dating one at 16, but I was also dating this dude and trying to break up. She didn’t know I was dating him, though (she never even asked) and caught me with him. She was very upset, so I told my homophobic asshole friend to go F herself for telling her I have a boyfriend :(

            So yeah, my big-mouthed friend ruined that for me, sadly. I told her to never speak to me again and she couldn’t sit with me for the rest of sophomore year, but since I’m quite sweet, I forgave her. i know she was devoted to me.

      • sp3ctr4l@lemmy.zip
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        10 days ago

        This person’s few posts are so insanely stereotypically the kinds of things a perfect, dark triad (narcissist, psycopath, machiavellian/manipulative) person would say, that 30 seconds into typing my other reply I did a ‘wait, is this a troll?’ double take.

        • CatDemons4@lemmings.worldOP
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          10 days ago

          I don’t know if I’m any of these, to be honest. I just have low empathy and high standards.

  • simple@lemm.ee
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    10 days ago

    Sorry mate, but it sounds like you’re absolutely in the wrong and need to work on your anger issues instead of waving your hand at people for not understanding you.

    I have a reason for my actions, people just choose to ignore those reasons and misinterpret me.

    People acknowledge your reasons but it’s no excuse for shouting or lashing out. You can try anger management or trying to keep your voice lower when you’re mad, or at least apologizing when getting genuinely mad at someone.

    • kobra@lemm.ee
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      10 days ago

      Yeah seeing OP type “I can’t control that” so many times about anger was wild.

      I understand you can’t control the initial feeling of anger but you absolutely can control how you respond to it coming.

      • GBU_28@lemm.ee
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        10 days ago

        The lack of understanding that indeed, you may struggle to control it, BUT YOU’RE STILL RESPONSIBLE FOR IT

        • CatDemons4@lemmings.worldOP
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          10 days ago

          But they DESERVE ITTTT 😣

          As a sports fan, I hate when people are bad at things. Why even try if you suck, honestly?

          • Rhynoplaz@lemmy.world
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            10 days ago

            Maybe some people didn’t care of they win and play games to HAVE FUN. Telling them they suck, will probably make that less fun.

            Also, everybody sucks when they first try. By continuing to try they get better. If you refuse to do anything that you aren’t naturally good at, you are a coward.

            • CatDemons4@lemmings.worldOP
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              10 days ago

              It just makes me so mad, like I said, I can’t control it too well. And that’s not so true, I was good at basketball AND volleyball on the first try.

          • sp3ctr4l@lemmy.zip
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            9 days ago

            Because the way to improve skills, athleticism, ability to play an instrument, basically anything…

            Is practice.

            Training.

            Sure, some people are naturally better or worse at certain things than others.

            Not everyone will turn out equally better given the same amount and style of training.

            But all of the initial different starting aptitudes at a certain skill vanish into meaninglessness against a person who consistently trains and practices, that person will be considerably more talented than any ‘natural’, 99% of the time.

            Also… some people, most people do things because they enjoy doing them.

            Not because they need or want to be better than others.

            If your goal is to have fun, develop a skill, stay in shape, have fun… you’re always winning, even if you aren’t literally the best.

            … And if you do try to always be the literal best… there’s almost always someone better if you keeo advancing into higher skilled competition levels and even if you are truly the best… you won’t be forever. You’ll get an injury, make a mistake, or just get old.

            • CatDemons4@lemmings.worldOP
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              9 days ago

              I bet they don’t practice 😂

              They need to and still suck. I practice just like they “practice”. I don’t practice often, but I’m still better.

  • andrewta@lemmy.world
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    10 days ago

    If i simply said hi to someone and they screamed I HEARD YOU, I would literally think fine then I won’t say hi again.

    This is something called human nature. If you act like an ass to me then I will stop talking to you. The fact that you don’t see that says not only do you have anger issues, I would ask if you are sociopathic or bipolar. You need serious help either way. Even if you aren’t either of those you need to figure out how to fix this. You won’t have many friends if you keep going this way.

    You call it tough love but trust be very few people on the entire planet would call it anything other then being an asshole.

    There is a way to help people without being a jerk about it.

    To answer the question of : do people find it a turnoff?

    Hell yes. Why would they find it any other thing then a turn off? People don’t enjoy being treated that way.

    You praise men and ignore women and you think that’s ok. That’s a serious disconnect from reality. Wanting women to improve themselves is good, but this is NOT the way to do it.

    Again I would encourage you to get help.

    • CatDemons4@lemmings.worldOP
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      10 days ago

      Thank you. I’ll try to get a therapist and work on it.

      Sadly, only two people want to still hang out with me and the rest are A holes. They and I like to talk about how much we hate being around people (it’s EXHAUSTINGGG) and frankly, how useless everyone is. They can lend an ear and agree with me on how it’s basically us against the world, so why can’t my other friends be as decent? It’s what I don’t get :(

      • dnick@sh.itjust.works
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        10 days ago

        Sounds like a bit of an echo chamber, do other people like hanging out with these two friends? If they do, maybe try emulation their behavior in those ways. If not, you may just be in a tough place with these friends enabling you in bad behavior. You already understand the problem, it’s not pleasant hanging around with someone who has infinite empathy for herself but apparently no willingness to accept others as they are without belittling them.

        • CatDemons4@lemmings.worldOP
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          10 days ago

          Friends 1 and 2 are usually kind of quiet. People spend time with Friend 1 because she’s a gamer who just emulates my behavior and “worships” me. Friend 2 is quiet and doesn’t seem to have many friends besides us. She seems usually sweet, though.

  • earphone843@sh.itjust.works
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    10 days ago

    Yes, anger problems are a turnoff for pretty much everyone but a handful of people with psychological problems.

    You need to address your anger issues, because no one should be asked to ignore being abused regardless of your reasons for it. Until you fix you, it’s unfair to expect others to deal with it.

    Get therapy, because most of what you said in your post is very troubling and shows that you have a disconnect from reality

      • Maeve@kbin.earth
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        10 days ago

        This person thrives on attention. It doesn’t matter if it is good or bad attention. They look like they are experiencing narcissistic collapse, and that needs to happen with people far and safely away from them.

          • Kit@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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            10 days ago

            We’re those diagnosed by a mental health professional who also ruled out other diagnoses? Are you seeing a therapist regularly?

            • CatDemons4@lemmings.worldOP
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              10 days ago

              No therapist anymore, diagnosed ADHD as a child but I may have autism as well (not diagnosed yet).

              Depression at 17.

          • thermal_shock@lemmy.world
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            9 days ago

            No, you sound like an ass hole and are seeking attention of others to “justify” it or help build your defense. No one likes ass holes, be a better person, hell even your “friend” doesn’t want to hang with you.

            • CatDemons4@lemmings.worldOP
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              9 days ago

              Well, I mean, there’s these two girls who like to talk about how much they hate people with me, soooo…

              It’s literally us against the world, I swear. Just three depressed women who hate everything 😓

  • aramis87@fedia.io
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    10 days ago

    Uh, are you trolling? Anger is a form of aggression, and, no, people don’t like being around people who are aggressive to them. I mean, it might be okay if the two of you were MMA fighters and the aggression only took place in the ring - but people want to be about to relax with their friends. Being around someone who is repeatedly aggressive toward them is not relaxing, so people will leave you.

    • CatDemons4@lemmings.worldOP
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      10 days ago

      No, I’m being serious. I don’t get why because I have these two friends who are willing to talk about how much they hate hanging out with people and how useless other people are. Besides, as much as I’ve tried to work on it, I’m still angry, so my friends should love me for that like I love them. I also don’t have much empathy and don’t really understand nuances/what affects people.

  • sp3ctr4l@lemmy.zip
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    10 days ago

    Yes, inability to control your mood, constantly screaming at people, being pissed off and aggressive basically all the time, and being a rude asshole all the time is a major turn off.

    I grew up in a family like this, dated a good number of people like this, then eventually figured out: Oh, I have CPTSD and low self esteem from being chronically abused by most of the people in my life, for most of my life, I don’t actually have to put up with their bullshit.

    You sound extremely reminiscent of my abusive female ex-partners, full of rage, suspicious of and less friendly toward women (likely because you view them all as competition and/or incompetent), and most importantly, you’re a completely unnacountable and irresponsible narcissist hypocrite.

    You do understand why people don’t react well to you being aggressive and pissy all the time.

    My friend doesn’t talk to me as much and I really don’t get why because even when I’m “aggressive”, it’s tough love and I’m trying to help them.

    This reveals that you do understand that your friend doesn’t like it when you are aggressive.

    But you rationalize away your aggressiveness as the cause of your friend avoiding you with the intention underlying your action.

    Your intention doesn’t matter.

    What you actually do, how you actually do it is what matters.

    If I perform a surgery with the intention of saving someone’s life, but I fuck up when I use a chainsaw instead of a scalpel to make the initial incision, my patient is now dead, and I am responsible, regardless of my intention.

    No one has any obligation to deal with your anger issues other than you.

    No one owes you their friendship or affection, de facto, just because you believe they do.

    You should seek intensive therapy, probably look for a CBT specialist, at the very least, learn how to self reflect and apologize for doing things that make others flee from you…

    …otherwise you’ll soon find that your anger issues do indeed affect you, by making you unable to have any healthy relationships with anyone, leaving all the people you care about no longer caring about you.

    EDIT:

    I have a reason for my actions, people just choose to ignore those reasons and misinterpret me.

    People are not misintrepeting you, and you know it.

    I also tend to type very dryly and with periods when I’m upset (which is admittedly ~90% of the time but I can’t control that).

    You state that you are upset, ie, prone to a rude or aggressive interaction 90% of the time.

    People are not misinterpreting your behavior.

    Your behavior is abusive 90% of the time, and you just think that’s everyone else’s problem, not yours.

    … Would you want to be friends with someone who is pissed off and abusive 90% of the time?

    Honest, serious question:

    Are you capable of actually imagining interactions with yourself from the other person’s point of view?

    Can you do that, mentally transport yourself into someone else’s shoes, without immediately adding in all the rationalizations that you didn’t actually communicate, that only exist in your head?

    • CatDemons4@lemmings.worldOP
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      10 days ago

      To be honest, not really, that’s why I ask these sorts of things and don’t know how to fix it. I can’t understand tone or nuance, I don’t feel guilty about things (my sense of right or wrong is only determined by competence and what benefits me, and also what people tell me is wrong.)

      I can imagine it slightly, but I have trouble caring that it hurts them. (I know it’s wrong but I don’t feel bad)

      I got kicked off a team, but I knew my behavior had a bad impact because someone told me it did. I only knew bullying was wrong when it happened to me. If it gets me more friends, it’s not wrong. If it makes people hate me, it is wrong, but it’s also on them because I don’t deserve this type of treatment.