How about another type of control: by default your profile is not federated. Then you manually select the instances you trust. And your data getcs shared only with those. Dating usually is kind of local anyway. If i live in australiay I’m likely not interested in matches from the UK. So instances could already serve as some pre-selection based on your region and possibly community type.

My last impression was that alovoa would need a lot of work still. It’s also the best thing I’ve seen so far but it’s very buggy unfortunately.

How about doing some fine-grained control mechanism: you share little data publicly, then once somebody likes you, you can decide to share more with them. With some cryptography tricks should be possible to share this information only with the other person and not with their home servers.